Thread:Deathstalker666/@comment-1496755-20171111143841/@comment-3547390-20180323163701

It would be nice indeed. As I said, the alternative is setting up a Windows 98 computer, which will take some time as I wish to stabilize and build up my main computer. I have a lot of plans, but first I need to move (trying to get out of this place, as you can see it is far from ideal, I still don't have internet due to a lot of new issues arising).

Truthfully, it is rather depressing. I feel like most people in my life order me around, this is where a great source of me being upset comes from. At work everyone pretty much tells me what they need and I am expected to get it done, then I go home where everyone pretty much complains about whatever I do and so I am very limited in my choices. It is hard when I am not really naturally aggressive, my anger just causes people to laugh at me, and so nobody takes me seriously. It gives me a desire to control someone else, just so I am no longer the punching bag for humanity. I probably would mess it up, I have no self-confidence and so that reliance would cause me to fail, but it would be nice to be respected and valued... to be needed as opposed to just welcome because I am not much of an inconvenience. So, yeah, willingly adding more to my plate does not make me happier. Ironically martial arts was supposed to boost my self-confidence, never could.

Never been useful to anyone like that, where I could step up and help someone. I have been loud, it isn't a lack of being able to speak, but a lack of anyone else caring or wishing for me to be around. Plus I could never really help in doing something I personally didn't want to do, I can't really inhibit myself in that way. It would be inauthentic to me, authenticity is at the core of my persona. When I am upset, I make it visible, yet have to bottle it up as people feel that is just me trying to garner self-pity. I never really had fears of "what will they think", I do what I feel like and then endure the dislike from the world, who seems to disapprove of my immaturity. When I mean needed, I mean needed by someone who knows me for me, and actually genuinely likes me for my full identity.

Hall of mirrors indeed, laughs. I wouldn't say it was forgotten, it would be weird to have it revert in that way when the game had it to begin with, which makes me assume it was an intended change. Perhaps it cut down on texture use more so the more demanding graphics could be used, remember in 1997 the forefront of design would be trying to make this 3d thing optimized and functional. It isn't much of a hit in your average level, most people know to texture all the walls and so it isn't really an issue, except for these very obscure maps only I have touched.

My mindset generally is very passive. I like to let things happen without my interference. Responsibility is a heavy burden and one that would just bite me later. Main reason people tolerate me to the point I tend to be their punching bag is because I don't believe it is my place to hinder them, but just do my own passions. Very lonely, which gets upsetting, but it is better than being involved with those that can't accept me for me.

EDIT: So my internet still isn't up, not sure when I will be getting it. Basically my cousins used to live on my grandfather's internet. We only have two proper floors; I live in a room in the basement. Cable only provides service to a floor, so my grandfather had the 1st and as the 2nd wasn't being used I became the second. Well, my grandfather could no longer pay his internet and so he has it turning off. To continue having internet, the 2nd floor signed up for internet, with my grandmother bringing down a lease to prove they live there and that I should be turned off. Nobody talked to me about this move, so it came completely by surprise when I lost my internet. So, yeah, because they own the house they were able to shut down my internet (which I was paying for and had just paid a bill on actually) without consulting me in any way.

Note that nobody wants me on their internet. They accuse me of messing things up and making them run slow. I tend to be the scapegoat here, so everything bad is due to me, which means I don't have a television as they said the radio waves were messing with the internet and that I couldn't have it. This is why I am working to get out of here, it is entirely crazy, yet the process of getting a place to stay is taking a bit of time. In the end I plan on getting a place with faster internet, more quiet conditions, and a better situation entirely. Right now I just need to ride this out.

So, first floor no longer can keep their internet and second floor decided to take down mine instead of using that connection. That suggests swapping lines to the first floor, which has been the plan and which my grandfather said I was free to do. However, after the service guy came out (and was sent away as they wished to make a big argument), it has since been revoked as my grandfather still has internet. By that I mean that his internet is supposed to be dead, yet he is still getting a connection to the modem, and so refuses to allow any changes until that connection fails. It should be dying any time, hopefully, but that is pretty much where I am.

In the meantime, I do have work to mainly communicate, but uploading files there is of course a bad idea as they will complain if I use too much data. My father has brought me over his house and I am able to use his laptop, this is how I was able to upload all the stuff for The Anomaly today, but expect updates like that to be a lot less frequent than would be ideal. Regardless, I have something and we shall be progressing, things are just going to be inching along until things stabilize for me.

Also, Custom .MDL Files is getting fleshed out a lot more.