User blog:Le Rottweiler/I hate Christmas music

Below is a list of songs that I would recommend expelling from the airwaves. This is by no means a complete list, in part since I can’t be screwed to look up what these damn things are called, but it’s a start. Here is some music that I would destroy:

A Holly Jolly Christmas: No, thanks. If this truly is ‘the land of free’ (which it most definitely is not but whatever), don’t pressure me to assimilate into your Anglo nonsense. I also like how ‘holly’ is inserted just because it rhymes: it hasn’t been an adjective for centuries and as a noun it just makes no grammatical sense in this context. I think that the most cringeworthy bit though is ‘It’s the best time of the year.’ This is not only inaccurate, but it’s the complete opposite of the truth. I could go on about how much I hate this month and how it’s almost like 744 hour long Friday the 13th, but then we’d be getting off‐topic. Besides, everybody should know that the actual best time of the year is March 8.

Deck the Halls: If I wanted to do this, I’d do it whenever and however I damn well please, thank you very much! This one has lots of nonsense lyrics and I like how it tells you to put up décor then tells you to drop all that shite for something else. This is arguably the most annoying melody of the month, a tough choice to make since almost all of them (including the next one) are annoying.

Jingle Bells: I despise this one mostly because of how overused it is. Try to go to a shop, listen to the radio, or watch the television without hearing it once during the hole of December. It isn’t a particularly catchy song but it’s also hard to forget thanks to how annoyingly common (and just plain annoying) it is. I had to look up the lyrics to this one and it’s about somebody having way too much fun being dragged through the snow… by an apparently underfed stallion who soon has an accident, no less. Lovely. Oh, and this song was supposed to be for Thanksgiving. OOPS!

Let It Snow: As opposed to what, preventing the snowfall? Well good news for you: I don’t control the weather, and I don’t even control (most of) the exhaust that’s depleting the ozone layer! Piss off already. Unless you were talking to the weather itself itself. In that case, you likely need even more help than I do. Oh yeah, and much like Jingle Bells, this was a song that originally had nothing to do with the current holiday.

O Christmas Tree: A rather dull song that’s giddy over a tree. Really. Just imagine how easy life is if all that it takes to excite you (and ‘fill your heart with music’, strangely) is a tree. Boring. I would rather listen to Maryland, My Maryland, which at least has the added benefit of white supremacists being hilariously melodramatic over defending their oligarchy against another. Did I mention that this song likewise originally wasn’t intended for Xmas? I’m beginning to notice a pattern here!

Rudolf the Red‐Nosed Reindeer: Egads, I hate this one. It’s not only annoyingly cheery and childish but it also reminds me of elementary school, one of the most awkward phases of my life. A deer is ostracized because of a genetic defect but is accepted not because it’s something that he was born with but because the boss likes him since he’s handy to have around. Ugh.

Santa Claus Is Coming To Town: Whew, thank G‐d that it’s an elderly white man and not an illegal from one of those weird terrorist countries like Guatemala! The lyrics also imply that he’s omniscient, which gives this overly cheery tone a level of unintentional creepiness. It also demands that we watch out, not cry, and ‘not pout’. Uh, we were about to? Because after hearing about this bloke, I think that we had a good reason for that!

Silent Night: One of those unambiguously religious songs. It doesn’t help that I’m an atheist of the worst sort, but besides being another dull, excruciatingly long lullaby it also has confusing lyrics. Silent night, but shepherds are quaking and hosts are singing? It’s also pretty unlikely that a birth would be silent or calm (unless maybe this was a c‐section, but we have no other reason to believe that).

The First Noel: Meh. I think that I have heard the melody to convey a sense of triumph or conclusion, but I don’t think that I had ever heard the lyrics until I looked for them myself: another religious song (maybe that explains why I never heard the lyrics before). It talks about a star that some blokes could follow, but there’s just one problem: there are no extrabiblical indications that this star even existed. That’s no doubt a trivial complaint for many, but regardless it doesn’t help something that’s supposed to be taken seriously.

The Twelve Days of Christmas: I think that I liked this song at one point; I suppose that it’s a bit novel to have a recap every step of the way, but it also makes the song irritatingly long. Yes, yes, we get it already.

We Wish You a Merry Christmas: Man, what a tedious, mindless song, like those patriots who go on and on about how great America is without ever really explaining why. It’s almost funny how ‘And a Happy New Year’ is inserted: it feels like an afterthought more than anything else. Boring.

Song that I don’t know the name of: I don’t even know if this has any lyrics, but if you have ever gone shopping during December then you have likely heard it: an upbeat but relatively calm (if simple) tune. No, it’s not a new song; it’s been playing for decades now, and I still don’t know what the hell it’s called even though it’s not utterly awful unlike most of the others here.

Then there’s that song that always plays whenever somebody is in a hurry. I hate it. No, I’m not going to look up its title either, but you’ll instantly recognise it when you hear it.

I know that this is an odd thing to rant about, especially on a ’site intended for computer games, but where else would I put it? I truly don’t know. So, yeah. Fuck Decembers.