Thread:Deathstalker666/@comment-24111404-20150424213130/@comment-3547390-20150426075443

I sometimes have a bigger fear that I don't even have a purpose, but am merely an ant walking around with a grain of sand instead of actual food.

Indeed, hatred is something I am pretty aware of, though over the years it has morphed into a form of apathy mixed with resentment. I don't like most people, though their existence does not concern me. I also would agree about happiness being an illusion, I usually am doing something or sleeping in order to prevent thoughts from occurring. Sleeping can be rough if I am not really tired as I am virtually doing nothing but thinking, which causes further depression. I have no reason for being upset beyond fears others would believe irrational and odd thoughts, yet they are basically what I try to keep my mind off of. Possibly I could take medication for my depression, but that would be worse than having the thoughts in my opinion. One of my greatest fears, possibly connected with the fear of death, is the fear of losing control over myself and either not knowing what I am doing or inhibiting my thoughts in some manner. I don't want a drug telling me what I can and can't think.

School is rough. It is best just to focus on your work, becoming dedicated to the sole task of achieving goods early on so that the road to success shall be easier later. Don't let your hatred overtake you, the idiots that you mention serve to knock you off your pedestal and ruin your chances at life. People would rejoice, they would throw a parade, to watch you fail. If you blew the place to bits (which many feared I would do due to my "insanity"), you would only kill a few hundred at best. The survivors would gather to watch as the person, branded a monster, gets to rot the rest of life in a prison cell. Think you have it bad in school? Try the rest of your life, except that you cannot escape from it and every futile attempt shall be met with more laughter. You are a soft shell, a pathetic excuse of a human being, and you will be ridiculed for what you tried to do in intimidation and power. You have no power. You will never have power. You will live the rest of your life as a miserable crony, slaving away his life before being thrown to the curb in a concept called retirement whereby they give you less funds to let you life the rest of your life, meaning you are barely subsiding. You think back to your earlier life, regret mistakes you made, then croak like the pathetic toad you are. Farewell vermin, you succeeded in doing nothing fruitful to society besides being the town fool, of which your status has grown stale and boring, so now we shall all proceed to the funeral wake where we all can have one last laugh over your dead corpse.

Those you put down permanently? They will be laughing in their graves as you join the dead, they having been branded victims and innocent. Due to your lack of subtleness, you were outwitted by the idiots you hate, resulting in their enjoyment and the great celebration. Your parents might be there, celebrating no longer having to spend funds on you. Your teachers might be there, celebrating no longer having to read your meaningless words. Your friends might be there, celebrating the death of someone who wasn't really their friend but they pretended to be in order to devastate the dead one's life. Of course, all that is if you get lucky. Most likely you matter so little to everyone that your death tomorrow would be quietly ignored. Who knows if anyone will remember you long enough to plan your wake. Oh, great, one more obligation you have forced people to do. Perhaps they can still get the money back for the casket.

I had a good birthday. Being filled with as much animosity as I am towards people, the best type of birthday is where I am around as few people as possible and allowed to reflect little on my thoughts. Well, at least one of those two succeeded, though I do have to say that talking about my emotions is better than bottling them up. Then again, I have absolutely no rational reason to have these feelings nor do I have the right to feel them. It is mandatory in my life that I have nothing but happiness, yet for some reason happiness is something I don't really feel except for short bursts or when playing a game. Perhaps I am spoiled by too many games and am becoming a spoiled individual that is feeling angst about everything. Perhaps it is just a phase, though a really long one that never seems to end. All that matters is that you are talking to an insane person suffering through irrational bouts of depression and lacking the proper ability to do anything that remains undiagnosed simply because of an extreme fear of psychologists (they mess with your mind, which again goes against everything I believe in as it would be giving up control. Also note that the most rational thing would be to prescribe something or otherwise alter my life, both of which are other great fears of mine.

It seems that I have difficulty getting out of a morbid discussion once I start...