Thread:Vorknkx/@comment-3547390-20170901233307/@comment-3547390-20171104193258

Oh, I was hoping you wouldn't see that. I just was getting bothered with your mentions of Within Temptation and Star Wars. It reminds me that the progress I make on these Star Wars sourcebooks are so little and that I am a far cry from being able to fully enjoy myself. It upsets me as it reminds me that I could be doing better. It is like dangling a carrot in front of my face, you can talk about the carrot and how much you enjoy it, while I am stuck just watching you eat carrots and feeling worse that I don't have a carrot.

I deleted it because it makes me feel bad to be this way. I talk about the things I am enthusiastic about, the point being that it is nice to talk about things you are interested in and it leads to conversation. So I entirely understand why you get enthusiastic and talk about things. It bothers me that I am essentially saying I am unable to handle it, that a mere mention could bother me this much. I understand the why and get bugged as I am not the type that likes people walking on eggshells for me, I hate censorship and I like openness, and then I blunder into carrots that upset me more than they should. It bugs me because it reminds me I am essentially needing the world to coddle me because I need an isolated bubble I don't want but can't handle being outside of.

I should be able to enjoy the above conversations, yet just the fact that I am reminded of things I am working towards is as much of a blow as talking about Thief (note the irony, I can talk about it fine, but if someone else brings it up I get bugged; I know it is hypocritical and I don't know how to stop myself from getting upset). I get upset as I kill so many opportunities for conversation doing this. I make others less enthusiastic to talk to me as I can easily get triggered, which nobody wants to deal with. I see what I do and see the ridiculousness of it all (apparently, that is actually normal, self-awareness is a common thing with OCD). Yet I don't know how to stop, how to not feel these negative feelings. Seeing carrots should motivate me to work towards those carrots, and they can do that, but then there are times like yesterday/today where it just makes everything I do feel so minuscule. It demoralizes and downplays everything, which is not good when I am feeling enthusiastic about my progress.

So, yeah, I am stressed out. I just don't want to be and feel it is unfair that I am.