Thread:Deathstalker666/@comment-1496755-20180827202615/@comment-3547390-20191210114802

Sounds quite the mundane task. Once again, I am coming to work early. The main benefit of doing such is that nobody has any work for me, meaning I totally escape any obligations for a few hours.

I wish I had things to enjoy when I "goofed off". Would make life far less miserable. As it is, each day is just continual endurance.

Quite correct, the main reason I keep trying to build my power has been for my recordings, since that stuff can get extremely demanding. On the gameplay side, it often is much easier and lighter in demand.

Rather curious, especially since that would make it a hassle to use the computer in turn. Single and double clicks have such different functionality after all.

I guess in my case, I don't really care about notoriety or even about being something that lasts. In fact, I question the sustainability a lot, since I feel Fandom will eventually collapse as a company without warning, taking its sites with it. It happened to Geocities after all. I question if it will even last another decade.

As for my doubts, that does nothing to allay a lot of my recent issues. Minion perhaps mentioned it, but I have given up on trying to edit here. It was getting to the point where every single day was getting interrupted by Minion talking, dragging out my time far past when I would sleep and in turn leading me to be exhausted, thus making things all the more of a wreck. He would tend to talk about things that made me uncomfortable, indeed almost everything he says tends to become upsetting, between the constant tantalization of all that has occurred and what is still yet to come. I have experienced butchery and have had a lot more desires to self-harm in the last week, all due to his insistence on talking about titles and things I rather not discuss. This in turn has entirely demotivated my desire to do edits here, turning it into work, while at the same time making it necessary that I take acts to retreat from this place since it has proven to be so utterly unhealthy to me.

My Youtube channel is now dead. The server shall be dead. I am not going on Discord, it shall now be dead as well. Everything that I considered myself a part of for the last decade, if not longer, is now dead. I must add that the only reason I still remain here is because I don't believe in killing a friendship and disappearing, regardless of all the drama that has occurred. I don't want to live. I don't want to do anything. So, from now on Minion gets freedom to edit whatever without me getting in the way. At least someone can be happy doing this stuff, someone who has a right to do such with their knowledge of having touched everything regarding Quake. All I am doing is playing catch-up while being a hindrance because I haven't done everything like he has. And being around just gives me more excuses to be hurt as he continues to talk about all the stuff he has got to enjoy and I will never get to touch. I am sick of being mocked.

I just cannot continue under these conditions, under the constant mental strain and continual breakdowns. On having Minion treat me like a pity party as he hands me minor favors in the form of being willing to touch the server on occasion, holding no desire to do such himself and thus feeling he needs to grant favors to me. I am sick of the pity, I am sick of the lack of respect in turn, and I am sick of every single day becoming a struggle to rush to get stuff done on the Wikia in the hopes to get to a stable place before Minion torments me. I don't need to be treated like an inferior being that is continually coddled because it makes somebody who loves to brag about his superiority to the rest of the world feel better about taking care of a lesser. I don't need the continual reminders that I have only touched 1996 stuff and am moving at a snail's pace. Minion wanted me gone anyway, so he got his wish. I feel sick.

So, with all that said, I am not sure if I even care about the stuff that has been done. It can all burn, it is just a constant reminder of when I had hope. When I wasn't being accosted for not having played every Quake mod under the sun like it is a badge of honor. When I didn't have someone trying to pretend they are a hybrid of me and you, when they have zero idea what I am even going through, and for all their pity they just bring more venom with each day. When I could talk here and send messages without someone going on Discord and nitpicking every message I send, talking about how I am making the community uncomfortable because of my incapacity in regards to talking. When I wasn't actively reminded that there is a world outside of what I touch and that I am just horribly limiting myself because I only have touched so much, that there are people out there who have touched everything I have and more, to the point that every bit of effort I have made has been nothing less than a complete waste of time. Every bit of endurance I tried fighting, the hell that was the Wheel of Time and the endless D&D modules, and there are people who have done all of that and more while being much younger than me and at the same time insisting on continually bragging about all they have done.

I just wanted an echo chamber for my OCD. Lately I just keep being made into the villain. Other people can make better edits and have all this experience, everything I try and edit is so utterly worthless because it could have been done with far more awareness and clarity, then fine. I give up. I refuse to let every day continue to torment me, so if I can't be happy with working slowly towards eventually touching all this stuff, then the only solution is just to not bother touching anything and to avoid absolutely anything.

Quake is dead to me.