Thread:Deathstalker666/@comment-1496755-20180827202615/@comment-3547390-20191210143834

You are right that hiding is unlikely to do much, but when something is apparently unhealthy for you, you should take some charge to prevent it. You can't continually ignore it and do nothing. You can't continually sit on a bridge, declaring you will jump, and then never do such. I need to hold some commitment. Think of it this way; you can try to fix the issue and motivate me again, but if you do you will just make me out to be a person who declared quitting only to not to it once again. It would be setting me up to just show how lacking in conviction and thus strength I am.

Can this place make me feel better? It can, but remember that there are many issues up and coming anyway. The server was hitting a wall for how much I could fit, even small details, to the point I was unsure how to continue.

I have told Minion countless times, I try expressing myself and that I can't handle the things he is talking about. It just is hard, almost unreasonable, because to him he is just discussing what he is familiar with. The night before the latest issue, I told him outright that the last few nights had done nothing but sent me into a spiral of misery and self harm, that almost everything he was saying ended up miserable. You are right that you were able to stop, but there is a big difference between you and him, beyond the fact that you have known me a lot longer. Minion has more of a language barrier and is also younger, both of which mean he is bound to struggle far more than you did in regards to being more reserved. 17 year olds are generally still reckless, thinking of people such as Massao and others that have been here. Dominus shows there can be exceptions, but I would argue that Minion is far more normal than he was; I am unsure in regards to Minion's experience with such issues. If I was afraid of offending, I wouldn't have said it here. Minion will see this, he reads everything we post, as said he often critiques me on everything I say to people here. It just isn't something that can be fixed through words, "don't talk to me" is an extreme I don't wish to do, and yet he just has a way of hitting a lot of sensitive issues for me. A second of forgetting causes days worth of mental trauma.

No, it isn't a competition, but at the same time it is becoming more such. Minion wishes to do the things that I once was focusing on without pressure, so suddenly it becomes a rushing game because "he still hasn't touched Armagon". Everyone jokes about it, everyone mocks me about it, and Minion in particular sees me as inferior due to that. It is very depressive, to hit the wall at full force, to be made aware at just how little everything you have done has amounted to. At the futility of even trying.

I am not so sure, personally. Minion hasn't known me long enough to miss me, plus all I have done is incite drama since he has been around. He says he looks up to me, but I remain skeptical about such things, he has been known to lie in the past and I cannot trust a story that continuously has changed. I do not feel he is malicious or holds ill intent, but it does seem that things have quickly been sinking as I lose the desire to even try.

Oh, many individuals are mocking or cruel with my weaknesses. It should be mentioned that I am guarded with what I say here, even after all these years, since I know others can easily read and therefore target me and my weaknesses. The best thing I can do is hide, it seems to work well enough in the fact that people can't hurt what they do not know. Hiding has solved issues with numerous people actually, plenty of people on Discord who sought to "save" me against my will to the point they were willing to get aggressive and started trying to do harmful things to my life. Note that the most harmful people are the ones who pity me, malicious people usually attack before getting bored, while people who pity will continue on their crusade for lengthy periods of time while continuing to torture me.

Thank you for those final few statements, they... hold a lot of sentiment to me I am not even sure you intended when you wrote them. Fire holds a lot of connotations, as does a lot of what you mentioned in general. Stuff I don't want to go into depth here about for the reasons mentioned above.

I appreciate the determination, but know I am not giving up to the point I am no longer here. I just am not doing anything anymore. It might be for the best, since even without Minion doing anything, the thoughts are now far more prevalent of how futile it all is. Such futility is what made me give up on D&D, Wheel of Time, Minecraft mods... pretty much everything. I generally give up a lot more than you give me credit for, which in turn makes me question my strength.